


Adam and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Omens

by fluffy_Socks19



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Gabriel’s an ass, M/M, My updates will be random sorry, No beta we fall like Crowley, Other, Worst Omens, but bee loves him, but! I have a couple chapters already written, i’m in love with this au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22735105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffy_Socks19/pseuds/fluffy_Socks19
Summary: There‘s a few things you need to know about Heaven and Hell’s earth representatives.First: Lord Beelzebub and Archangel Gabriel werevoted into their rolesafter the first representatives, Principality, Guard-Of-The-Eastern-Gate, Technically-On-Apple-Tree-Duty angel Aziraphale and the Serpent-Of-Eden demon Crawley, did such a good job in Eden that they were offered the roles of Head of Angels and Head of Demons respectively.Second: They’ve known eachother since almost the beginning. It’s hard not to know eachother when they’re the only other occult [“Ethereal,”Gabriel would insist] being on Earth for thousands of years.Third: They were hopelessly in love.Fourth: They weren’t friends.Absolutely,definitelynot.——
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub & Gabriel (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens), Hastur/Ligur (Good Omens), Hinted at
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44





	1. best to start at the beginning. almost

There‘s a few things you need to know about Heaven and Hell’s earth representatives.

First: Lord Beelzebub and Archangel Gabriel were _voted into their roles_ after the first representatives, Principality, Guard-Of-The-Eastern-Gate, Technically-On-Apple-Tree-Duty angel Aziraphale and the Serpent-Of-Eden demon Crawley, did such a good job in Eden that they were offered the roles of Head of Angels and Head of Demons respectively. 

Second: They’ve known eachother since almost the beginning. It’s hard not to know eachother when they’re the only other occult [ _“Ethereal,”_ Gabriel would insist] being on Earth for thousands of years.

Third: They were hopelessly in love. 

They’d proposed to each other on _multiple_ occasion- all proposals were refused, of course. There was a current ratio of 24:1, Gabriel still wore the ring- on a necklace, in plain view of everyone- that Beelzebub had proposed with, despite the fact that he refused, and Beelzebub had a drawer in her flat that had all of the 23 rings Gabriel had asked her with [there’d been one time, after being out of touch for a few years, where Gabriel had seen Beelzebub in a crowd. He’d slid on his knees to them, absolutely _destroying_ his current favourite pair of pants, and proposed right then and there, so unprepared he didn’t have a ring.]

Fourth: they weren’t friends. _Absolutely, **definitely** not._

It’s probably best to start at the beginning. Well, almost.

“Blezz thizz!” They growled, flies swarming. The flames around them died down as the ground filled back in. They didn’t bother to brush the dirt from their robe, instead choosing just to shimmy their shoulders. “Bloody Dagon, _Hazzztur_. Voted against me for that zzcale-y baztard!”

The flies’ buzzing quieted as they buried themselves in the demon’s nest of hair. Beelzebub narrowed their eyes against the sun and stepped out from behind the shack, instantly recoiling from the smell of humans. After spending a thousand years in a place filled with the smell of brimstone and blood, the Earth was a shock. 

They simply growled and continued walking. They prayed- well, not really, just a figure of speech- that this _’ark’_ was close, brushing shoulders with humans wasn’t something they wanted to do for much longer.

They couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Having their role taken from them by _a serpent_ , then being forced to do his dirty work. 

Their claws dug into their palms to stop themself from mauling the closest human.

The Ark was hard to find, ignoring a giant boat 30 cubits high isn’t easy. There was a crowd of humans gathered around it, watching the animals obediently made their way into the boat’s hull. 

Beelzebub sniffed, then instantly regretted it. Mixed in with the stench of sinners was an overlaying scent of _good_. It was foul and brought back memories they wanted to bury deep. They growled again. Some idiot angel was here, _someone high up_ judging on how strong and pure the stink was. 

They narrowed their eyes and searched the crowd for the angel, it shouldn’t be hard. It wasn’t. The idiot wasn’t even smart enough to change his appearance to blend in. Well, Beelzebub didn’t, but that was more about pride than anything else. Pale with short-clipped hair and towering over everyone, he stood out like a peacock in a group of pigeons. 

They rolled their eyes and walked up beside him. 

“I’m guezzing thiz iz your zide’zz doing?” They said, eyes trained on the boat’s hull.

The angel jumped, glancing at them before forcing himself to look back to the Ark, “I-what? Oh, yes. Yes, this is all part of the Almighty’s plan,” he said proudly, a toothy grin on his face.

They grumbled, “Of courze it bloody iz.”

“Sorry, who are you?” He furrowed his brows, turning his shoulders and looking down at them

They sighed loudly. “Dependz. Who are you?” They met his eyes, her strikingly pale blue eyes making him falter. 

“I asked you first,” he protested.

“I don’t care,” they snapped. They clicked their fingers, “name. Give it to me.”

” _Please_ ,” he muttered, but continued when they glared daggers at him, “Gabriel. The Archangel Gabriel.” He lifted his head to watch the bird’s settle themselves on the side of the boat’s wooden railing.

“Oh, _The_ Archangel Gabriel. Great, zo you’re even more of a wanker than a uzual one,” they groaned.

Gabriel glanced down at them through the corner of his eye, but didn’t say anything. “Well, what’s yours? I told you mine.”

“Fine! Fairz fair, I guezzz.” They blew hair out of their face and the fly that had been nesting in the clump buzzed unhappily. “Lord Beelzebub.”

His face twisted, they thought he looked ugly like that. “ _Lord_ Beelzebub. Is that really necessary?”

“I’m a Prince of Hell. Zo, yezz.” They scratched at a bump on their neck, making it bleed. 

He grimaced at them.

“Zo what’z happening with thizz big...” they gestured at the ship with a hand, blood welling under their nails, “...zship thing.”

“Ah! Well,” he started, obviously happy to tell others about ‘God’s Plan’ or some shit Beelzebub didn’t care for. “Noah and his wife, and his sons and their wives, built the Ark to hold two of each animal.”

“And _why in hell_ would they want to do that?”

“Ah, God is sending down a big flood to... erm, well, _punish_ the sinners of this land.”

Their face scrunched up,“ that’zz Hell’zz job...Let me get thiz ztraight. Zince theze people zinned a bit, She’zz _drowning them_?”

He nodded, still smiling. “Ah, but, you see, since Noah’s faithful to the Almighty he’s going to survive with his family and all the animals. He’s going to have quite a high place in Heaven when he dies.”

They narrowed their eyes, “courze he will.”

“You didn’t take Her for someone who punished them for sinning?” He raised a brow.

“Oh, no, definitely not. She can be more fucking evil than all of Hell. I waz just zurprized that She’d do that to _her humanzzz._ Doezn’t She love them?”

“Oh, don’t get Her wrong. She loves all her creations-“ Beelzebub snorted-“ just humans are supposed to have free will, you see. But sometimes that means they can stray to the- well, _your side_. And of course, they have to be punished for that.”

“Zo She’z killing everyone but zome guy’z family ‘cauze She accidentally gave them too much free will?” 

“You ask a lot of questions,” he observed.

They flashed their pointed teeth, “demon. It’z kind of the point, Featherzz.”

He cleared his throat, “well, She isn’t killing _everyone_. Just the locals. Not the Australians or- or the Chinese, you see. Oh! And afterwards She’s going to put something new up!” He sounded like an excited puppy now, hands clasped and eyes bright, “something called a _’rain-bow’_. It’s all going to be quite lovely, you see. With all the colours humans see and...”

Beelzebub had stopped listening, letting his words turn into background static. They watched the animals make their way slowly onto the boat. It reminded Beelzebub of the seemingly never moving lines and the crowded hallways that seemed impossibly slow down in Hell. 

They snapped their fingers and a Unicorn decided that this was the perfect moment to stray from their partner, snorting and galloping away. 

“From what I’ve heard- oh, how unfortunate. Ah, I suppose it’ll be alright. They’ve still got _one_ of those... Ah, unicorns, that’s what they’re called,” Gabriel blabbered.

“If you’re an Archangel, then what are you doing on Earth?”

“Hmm? Oh, uhh...” He cleared his throat, “going to be here for a while, actually. Earth representative. _Voted_ into it.” For the first time since meeting him, Beelzebub saw his smile drop. His clasped hands squeezed so hard his knuckles went white.

The Prince sighed, “zame here. Fucking azzholezz downztairz decided _I’d_ be the perfect fucking fit.”

“You didn’t get a say?”

“Courze I did. Do thizz or be zmothered in Holy water,” they drawled. 

“Oh,” Gabriel shifted uncomfortably.

They stood silently and watched the animals make their way into the Ark. they even stayed until it started raining.

“Right, blezz thiz.” They said, spinning on their heel and starting to walk away.

“W-wait! Where are you going?” Gabriel jogged to catch up to them.

“I’m obviouzly not ztaying here. Maybe grab zomething to eat and ztart zome fightz or zomething. Demon ztuff.”

“W-well, will I see you again?” He asked.

“Pray you don’t.” They said over their shoulder, leaving him behind in the rain


	2. 1300BD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did way too much research for this. Fun fact! Egyptians didn’t wear clothes until they were 6 years old :)

Beelzebub was a priest. Well, a priestess, at the moment. 

Demons had been fooling humans into worshipping other Gods for centuries. The Egyptians were no different. Beelzebub had been actively convincing them that their Gods were real for a few generations. She hadn’t made them enslave the Jewish people, or kill their firstborn children, but she took the credit for it in her reports back to hell. 

She loved her place next to the Egyptian throne, it reminded her of her place in Hell. The old Hell, right before Eden. Beelzebub, the second to fall, placed to the left of Lucifer’s throne. It was right where she wanted to be. She also loved the riches, the power, the control, and, most importantly, the food. It wasn’t amazing, not by modern standards, but it was to die for in those days.

She was bathing, that day- alone in her own, private, area that only a priestess or a pharaoh would be given. A young girl, most likely a guard’s daughter, so young she couldn’t have been in clothes long, hurried out of a door and down the steps to where Beelzebub was bathing. She looked close to tears.

“What? Zzpit it out, child.”

“You must come. Something bad happened. The pharaoh wants you.”

“Zzo they sent a child,” she muttered. “Fine,” she stood and followed them, snapping herself dry and her clothing back on once the child wasn’t looking. 

The child hurried through the grand hallways, Beelzebub following at a slower pace. She led the demon to the entrance of the palace, where the pharaoh, Ramesses, was standing. 

“You called?” She said, walking to stand just behind him. He whipped around.

“Oh, good, you’re here.” He threw his arm out, pointing at further down the river, “look!”

She stepped forward, peering down the river. Downstream, the water, which was usually quite clear despite the people washing in it, had become a bright red colour. The red was spreading at a rapid pace.

“It’s a message from the Gods, is it not?” Ramesses continued. “The seas turning to blood? Surely you must know what this means!”

“I-“ Beelzebub blinked. She shook her head, “it’z nothing to worry about. The Gods are pleazzed with you.” She clasped her hands together.

Ramesses nodded. He still looked worried, but like he was about to dismiss her when two guards came running through the entrance.

“Your highness,” one greeted, both of them kneeling before him.

“Yes? What is it? I’m quite busy here, as you can see,” the pharaoh snapped.

“It’s. It’s Moses, your highness.”

“He’s in the river,” the other finished.

Both the pharaoh and priestess looked surprised. “Well, go on! Lead me to him,” Ramesses snapped.

They stood by the edge of the river, her bare feet sinking into the mud. Moses stood knee deep in the river of blood. Beelzebub hadn’t seen him for forty years, but she could still remember what he’d looked like. He’d aged. She supposed forty years would do that to you. Not to her, of course.

He’d gone grey, his beard and the curls at his temples white. His face was lined with wrinkles and his clothes had changed, become more humble and ragged.

“Ramesses. Brother-“

“You are not my brother. You lost that privilege when you left forty years ago.” Ramesses called.

Moses didn’t look fazed. “Ramesses. You know what you are doing is wrong. Enslaving my people, treating them like dirt.”

“ _Your_ people?” Ramesses laughed, “you are nothing like _them_.” He threw his arm out, motioning at the group of enslaved Jews gathered at the edge of the river.

Beelzebub stood a few metres behind the pharaoh, watching the brothers speak. A hand grabbed her wrist, and she spun around to slap whoever dared to touch her, maybe even have them executed, but stopped when she was met with a man-shaped being who definitely didn’t look Egyptian. 

Gabriel pulled on her arm and, after glancing back at the back of the Pharaoh, she let him pull her away. They didn’t speak until he’d brought her into an empty house. It was completely bare except for a table in the middle of the small room.

“What the _heaven_ are _you_ doing here?” She snapped.

“I could say the same thing about you!” He said. “ _Look_ at you.“

Beelzebub did suppose it was a bit much, fly earrings, heavy gold bracelets around her wrists and ankles, a gold beaded, jewelled collar and an ankle length sheath with a pleat in the front. A fly amulet was also kept on her chest. Mammon would be proud.

“I’m a prieztezz.” She simply said. “Bezidez, I thought you liked clothes.” She gestured at his attire, which was just a simple skirt tied at the front. “Look at _you_.”

“I have to fit in. Trust me, I don’t like this anymore than you do,” he sighed.

She liked it _very much_ , although she’d never, _ever_ admit to it. Instead she just quickly ran her gaze across his bare chest and broad shoulders.

“What are you doing here anyway? Thought you were back in, ergk, where ever you were.” 

“I was— well, I was called over here. For a Special Assignment.” It sounded important. Important enough to deserve it’s own capital letters.

“Oh? Well— zzpill it.” She headed to the table and hoisted herself up. She leant back on her palms, “when was the lazt time you had a _Zzpezial Azzignment_?”

“I’m not supposed to tell you.” He chuckled, swinging his arms out, “I’m not supposed to even _talk_ to you.”

“But here we are,” she tilted her chin up.

He nodded and looked away, “yes. Here we are,” he said in a sigh. “Well,” he clapped his hands once,” it really was nice to see you.” Beelzebub hissed at the word _’nice’_. He nodded in a goodbye and turned on his heel, marching out of the house.

Beelzebub waited a few moments, figuring he’d come back. “Wait! Hey azzhole! You’re zeriouzzly not going to tell me?” When there was no response, she threw her hands up in exasperation. 

— — —

“Hi! Did you like it?”

Beelzebub narrowed her eyes, not turning from the water she was using as a mirror. “No, azzhole. I didn’t like it.” She continued to line her eyes with kohl.

“Really? Not even the swarms of flies? Didn’t find the locusts impressive?” His eyebrows were raised, very obviously trying to annoy her. He had that annoying grin that was far too perfect for any angel to have. He was giddy with joy .

“Oh fuck off.”

He grinned wider, leaning over so they were the same height, “really? Didn’t find it clever at all?”

“I will zzend a zwarm of maggotzz to eat you from the inzide-out.”

He tapped his chin, “oh, you know what, that would’ve been a great plague to send.”

“Let me guess. _You_ thought of the zwarmzz of fliezz and locusztzz and zzhit?”

He nodded, grinning, “that depends. Did you like it?”

She bit the inside of her cheek, “I zzuppozze it waz okay. And I did like not having to hide my boils.” She flicked his chin, which got him to stand up straight.

Gabriel tilted his head from side to side, “well— I didn’t come up with that one.”

They didn’t reply, instead running a hand through their hair. The ends grew longer until it reached past their shoulder blades.

Gabriel hummed, leaning against a tree. “I like you with long hair.”

Beelzebub sniffed, “I don’t. Zzz’annoying. I got called for a job around zzome place called. Canaan.”

Gabriel nodded, “been there. Not for long, just passed through. It’s a fairly new city.” He raised a brow, “so you’re not staying here?”

They laughed, “not after that trainwreck. Zzatan, there’zz nothing that would get me to ztay after the Pharaoh juzt realizzed I’ve been lying and their Godzz aren’t real.”

Gabriel shrugged, “they’re pretty stubborn. You really think they’ll just accept their Gods aren’t real?”

Beelzebub snorted, “no way. But I’m not risking it.”

“Fair enough.”

Beelzebub got two strands of hair that framed their face and pulled them back, pinning them with a fly clasp. They snapped their fingers and miracled a black robe common of the era, albeit much more flow-y than usual, with sleeves that flared at the ends. They gathered it at the waist with a red piece of ribbon and finished it off with a pair of fly earrings that matched the hair piece.

Gabriel stepped over to them, feeling the cloth between his fingers, “goodness, what do they want you to do? This seems more fancy than you’d usually wear.”

They spun around and slapped his hands away. “It’s none of your buzinezz!” They snapped. 

He huffed, “I suppose. You can still tell me though?”

They gave him a look. “No.” They rolled their eyes at his pout, “oh shut up!” 

“Come on, Bee-“ 

“Don’t call me that.”

“I always tell you what I do!”

“No you don’t. And I don’t ask you to tell me what you’re doing.”

“Yes you do.”

“Fuck off.”

He huffed again, “well, how long are you staying here? You can tell me that, at least.”

“A day. I’m leaving at dawn tomorrow.” They snapped their fingers and their sandals dissapeared, feet sinking into the mud.

Gabriel nodded, “how long does it take to get there?”

“Umm,” they scratched their jaw, “a month. Bit longer. 40 dayzz, give or take.”

“Oh, Lord. Must it take that long?” 

“I am walking there.” They looked into the reflection in the water, rubbing at the kohl lining their eyes and smudging it out.

“Why not fly? Or travel through Hell? You can do that, right?”

They winced, “there’zz no way I’m going back to hell. Not for the next century, at leazzt.”

“Then just fly. Middle of the night- no one’ll see you.” He spread out his hands before clasping them together.

“I. Am _Not_. Flying. Azzhole.” They growled each word out as they slowly spun to face him.

“Oh,” he shrunk slightly. “Why?” He dared to ask.

Wrong question.

Beelzebub growled and leapt forward, bowling them both over so he was on his back in the mud and they were on top of him. Their claws were wrapped around his neck, pressing almost hard enough to crush his windpipe. He didn’t need air, but he gasped for it anyways.

“Don’t you _ever_ ask me about my wings.” They spat, before climbing off him and walking away. They left him in the mud, gulping down air, and went back into the town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s probably best to say now that although I was raised Catholic, my school didn’t bother to teach us about Moses other than making us watch The Prince of Egypt (which is amazing btw). So practically all my knowledge is from that movie, reading Wikipedia at 1am, and a couple scriptures.


	3. 4AD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Yeshua, Mariam and her husband Yosef and their son. Gabriel runs into Beelzebub and Pestilence and we get our first brief encounter with the Principality Aziraphale!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very late, I’m so sorry! I had assessments due for a bunch of my classes, but luckily it was a long weekend so I was able to finish this chapter.   
> No beta and the quality of it changes dramatically depending on what time I wrote at.

Gabriel reached down to ruffle the boy’s hair, his mother looking up at him sternly before crouching down to pat it back down.

“ _Gabriel_.” She huffed, adjusting the cloth over her hair, “he’s going with Yosef to build. He needs to look his best.” She took a baby- her son- from the man next to her, _Yosef_.

“Mariam, relax,” her husband pet her shoulder. “I’ll be right there with him.”

She sighed and they both looked down to her older son, who was watching them with those wide all-knowing eyes that only children of the Lord could have. They looked strange on a small, thin boy of his age.

“May we go now, Mother?” He blinked at her.

Mariam glanced at Gabriel, who grinned and said, “the Almighty is watching over him.” 

She sighed and nodded and the little boy grinned, grabbing his step-father’s wrist and pulling him along. Yosef waved over his shoulder, Mariam shifted the baby in her arms so she could wave back.

Gabriel clapped her on the shoulder, a little bit harder than he realised. “Yeshua will be fine.”

She winced, nodding, and turned back to the house, Gabriel following behind.

————

When Yosef and Yeshua returned home, Gabriel greeted them from where he was keeping a small flame alight. Mariam was in the other room, putting Yosef’s son to sleep- he told them.

Yeshua came up to him with a lump of clay cupped in his hands while Yosef went into the back room to find his wife. Gabriel sat on the ground next to him, legs crossed and watching the boy shape the clay. He held out his palms when Yeshua handed him small balls of clay to hold.

“So, how was your day Yeshua?” 

He didn’t look up from the clay, simply nodding. “Yosef taught me how to build a mud-brick house. Then we had to carry a cradle to someone’s house.”

“Oh? Not too heavy?”

He shook his head, taking a ball of clay from Gabriel’s hands and smooshing it into whatever he was creating. 

Gabriel blinked at him, “no more cursing people and turning them blind?”

Yeshua looked up at him, a smirk pulling at the corners of his lips, “it’s been eight years.” He glanced back the the clay, “maybe.”

Gabriel raised a brow and Yeshua ducked his head, smoothing out his creation- a dove, Gabriel could see. He craned his neck down and blew into the clay-dove. The archangel watched as the dove grew feathers and real eyes and begun to blink and breathe. Yeshua lifted the bird, now living and breathing and fluttering it’s wings, and threw it into the air. They watched it swirl around the room for a couple moments, flying as if it had been flying for years, before it swooped out the doorway.

Yeshua simply blinked, as though this was something every nine year old could do.

Yosef came back out from the other room, Mariam following close behind. He rested against the table, raising a brow at the two celestial beings sitting in the corner of the room. 

“Where’s the clay I gave you?” 

“Flew away,” Yeshua replied.

Yosef snorted but Mariam just looked displeased. 

Gabriel suddenly stood, shoulders back and chin lifted, standing at attention. Yeshua lifted his head to greet the man who wasn’t really a man that had just walked into the house.

“Aziraphale?” Gabriel spluttered. “You didn’t tell me you were coming down to Earth.”

The principality looked Gabriel up and down out of the corner of his eye. “I don’t need your permission it visit the Lord’s son.”

“Aziraphale,” Yeshua tasted the word on his tongue, eyebrows furrowing. “You were there at my birth.”

Mariam looked surprised, “I don’t think so. I would’ve remember-“

“No,” Aziraphale nodded, “I was.”

Yosef shifted, “would you like something to drink? Eat?”

Mariam placed a hand on her husband’s forearm, “someplace to rest?”

“Something to eat would be nice, thank you, yes,” the angel smiled and nodded.

Yeshua stood and Aziraphale turned to meet his gaze. The boy narrowed his eyes, “you’re hiding something.”

Fear flashed in the principality’s eyes. “Whatever do you mean, my dear boy?”

Yeshua stepped forward and Gabriel could tell Aziraphale was fighting the urge to step away. “I can see it. In your eyes.” He sniffed, “you don’t smell like Heaven.”

Yosef grabbed Yeshua’s shoulder, “ _Yeshua_. He’s our guest _and_ he’s _an angel_.” They stared at eachother for a few moments before Yeshua shrugged his step-father off and moved to crouch by the fire where Mariam was roasting some sort of meat.

“I’m afraid I don’t have any bread,” she apologised to Aziraphale. “But you’re welcome to stay for supper.”

Gabriel desperately hoped the principality would shake his head and say something like _”I feel I’d be overstaying my welcome”_ and then leave, but instead he nodded and smiled and folded his hands over his stomach.

“If I’m not being a nuisance?”

Yosef shook his head profusely, “definitely not.”

Aziraphale smiled, “then I’d say I’d terribly enjoy staying.”

Gabriel swallowed, the hair on the back of his neck raising. He caught Yeshua watching him, eyes flickering between him and Aziraphale. 

———

While the family was eating with their guest, Gabriel was out performing miracles. He felt awkward just being around the principality, having to stay and sit with him would be torture.

He watched as a man walked straight past a beggar on the street, barely glancing at them. Gabriel tilted his head slightly and the man stopped, suddenly remembering their lack of a servant to watch over the cattle back at home. Gabriel turned down a thin dirt path between houses while the man offered a job to the beggar.

As he walked between the houses, poorer families found they could feed everyone, richer families were suddenly moved to give some of their feast to their neighbours, and ill children on the brink of death found their strength returning. 

As the sky darkened and families shut themselves inside, covering their doorways with extra cloth, Gabriel stayed out. There were still miracles to be performed, families to be blessed, but mainly, Gabriel was scared Aziraphale was still with Yeshua.

“Gabriel.” He jumped and spun around, fully expecting the principality to be standing behind him. He surprised himself with how relieved he felt when it wasn’t Aziraphale.

“Beelzebub!” They smelt like brimstone. 

They shushed him, “ _don’t_.” They hissed, “a certain demon’zz around. Can’t tell you how much trouble I’d be in-“

“If we were caught talking, I know.” He sighed, voice lowered, “Aziraphale’s here too.” He couldn’t see their face in the dark, especially not with the hood covering it. “Why are you dressed like that?” His face scrunched up.

They glanced behind them, “I’m staying with the lepers.”

He took a step back, “what?”

He heard them grumble before they pulled back their hood to reveal their patchy skin and the blood speckling their headpiece. They had ripped cloth wrapped around one hand with the hints of blood seeping through.

“I’m not infected. Can’t be, we’re not human.”

He nodded once, “right.”

They grinned and leant closer. “Yeah,” they breathed on him. He retreated a couple steps. They grinned wider. “You still think we can.”

He wiggled uncomfortably, “ _no_... it’s just. I got quite sick a couple hundred years ago and-“ he groaned- “I’ve never heard the end of it from Michael.” He shuddered, “you’d never believe the amount of paper just to get a new corporation.”

They nodded and looked like they were about something when Gabriel physically recoiled, Beelzebub’s face scrunching up.

 _”Pestilence,”_ Beelzebub hissed.

“Er, hi guys.” He muttered, the stench of sickness making both the celestials want to gag. He ran a hand through his hair, waxed back with his own hair grease.

He cleared his throat, “right.”

“What are you doing here?” Beelzebub hissed, like they had told him to stay hidden somewhere. Like they were a schoolgirl talking to their crush and their friend had just come over to say something embarrassing.

Pestilence spread his hands, “I’m everywhere. Why wouldn’t I be here?”

“I suppose,” Gabriel muttered, shifting uncomfortably.

He sniffed, hooked nose scrunching. “Listen, I won’t say anything- not my place, I work for death, not either of your lots- but y’shouldn’t really be talking, right? Angel. Demon. Not seeing much smiting or incinerating with hellfire.” He shoved his hand into the band gathering his robes at his waist before thinking differently and just letting them hang by his sides.

“Oh, shut up.” Beelzebub hissed. They pushed past the two men-shaped beings and dissapeared around the corner.

Gabriel furrowed his brows, “Er, bye?” He raised his hand in a half-hearted goodbye.

Pestilence leaned over his shoulder, foul breath making Gabriel’s nose scrunch up. “They like you,” he whispered.

Gabriel spun on his heel and moved away. “They’re a demon. We hate eachother.”

Pestilence rocked on his heels, “eh.” Gabriel glared at him, angelic fury creeping up. The horseman held up his palms in an apology, “‘right, l’right. Hereditary enemies, ‘course.”

Gabriel smoothed his hair back, “what are you doing here? Like, _actually_. There’s a reason, isn’t there?”

Pestilence laughed, the sound echoing down the quiet alley. It made the hair on the back of Gabriel’s neck stand on end. “You caught me there,” he laughed again, a bit awkwardly this time as he scratched at a red spot on the side of his chin. Dry skin flaked off, and Gabriel recoiled so far he was practically pressed against the opposite side of the alleyway. “Er, yeah. Came to see The Boy.” His eyes darkened slightly.

There was no need to explain who he meant. All of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory knew who he meant.

Gabriel’s squared his shoulders, “what do want with him?”

“Nothing!” The horseman showed his palms, “just, you know. Kind of. The _opposite_ of my entire existence.”

The archangel narrowed his eyes, eyebrow raised.

Pestilence sighed, running a hand through his hair. His wrists were dangerously thin. “Listen, I’m supposed to bring about Armageddon with the son of Satan, right? My whole sort of end purpose- killing people is more of something to kill time. Son of God? Eh, more like-“ he made a vague hand gesture. “Not really helping.” 

————

When Gabriel returned, the stench of sickness following him wherever he went, it was dark in the house. He could still see the dying embers glowing red, but any light from them had gone. He could hear Yeshua and Yosef snoring in the other room.

Mariam was sitting by the dead fire, Yosef’s son in her arms. Gabriel could hear her feeding him.

She lifted her head when the cloth over the door moved, “Gabriel?”

“Is Aziraphale still here?”

“No. Left a while ago.”

“Ah,” he sighed, moving to sit beside her. Warmth still radiated from the embers and Gabriel much preferred the smell of cooked meat and smoke to the sick smell that hung over his head.

“What did he want?” The archangel asked.

Mariam hummed, stroking her baby’s head, who had stopped suckling and was drifting to sleep. “I’m not too sure. He mainly spoke to Yeshua or asked us about how you were teaching him. Yeshua went to bed and I asked him if there was anything I should know about my son and he said something vague about sins and a second life.” Gabriel could just make out her furrowed brow in the dark.

Gabriel sighed, rubbing his temple, “to be completely honest, I haven’t heard much from Heaven regarding Yeshua since he blinded that couple a few years ago.”

Mariam sighed. 

They sat there silently, just listening to the family’s sounds of sleep. Eventually Mariam got up to go to bed, placing a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder to brace herself as she stood. 

———————

It was a few days later. There had been no sign of Aziraphale, Beelzebub or Pestilence, to Gabriel’s relief. He was out walking with Yeshua, going to collect water and fuel for the fire.

He felt eyes on him, but that wasn’t strange. A tall, pale and extremely out of place man would get a lot of strange looks in the Middle East. Walking along with the boy known to bring either extreme misfortune or extreme luck to those around him didn’t help. But these eyes on Gabriel, they made his hair stand on end.

Yeshua stopped in his tracks, and Gabriel almost ran into him. The archangel followed the boy’s gaze, swallowing when he locked eyes with the thin, sickly pale not-a-man man. It was like a standoff between two cowboys, watching eachother warily, hands itching for their guns. But this was 4AD, guns didn’t exists and neither did cowboys. 

Both groups stood very still, daring the other to move. An Archangel and the son of God caught in a staring match with a Horseman. The street had quieted, mothers found their babies’ cries suddenly stopping and children found the need to play down another street.

Then someone sneezed and the spell had broken, the unofficial staring match ended. Pestilence looked away, pulling his hood further up his hair while Yeshua and Gabriel continued on their walk. Pestilence passed a child, who began coughing violently. Yeshua passed the same child, and her coughing fit ended. Gabriel felt a surge of pride towards the young boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P l e a s e tell me I’m not the only person who 1. didn’t know Jesus had half-siblings and 2. had no idea he killed people as a child and then blinded his neighbours?? I’m not even joking, go look it up.


	4. 1873AD

Beelzebub ran a hand through their newly cropped hair, messing it up even further- just how they liked it. 

_Satan_ they were bored. Watching a group of humans dance while having to sit still and pretend they were enjoying themself, well they couldn’t think of anything more boring. Even the paperwork in Hell would have been more entertaining. They wished the party would end so they could sink back to their hotel room and finish the stupid report. Why were they even here in the first place? _Right_. It was their job. Stupid really, almost 5000 years on Earth and they give them a simple temptation job? 

They slouched further into their chair, ignoring the foul looks sent their way by the fine ladies and their less-fine mothers. Just a few temptations and they could leave. Well, they really should stay until the party ended, it’d be easier to tempt the host then. That was their assignment: tempt the host into sleeping with his mother-in-law, or something along those lines.

They guessed they could always just get up and dance with some girl, tempt her into some sin and then go home and lie about it in their report. But, despite them being bored out of their mind, the lust and greed in the room was intoxicating. A few girls batting their eyes at the boys, a young man’s hand travelling just a little too low on a young lady’s back. A widowed mother judging the wealth of each man, silently choosing which one she’d marry her daughter off to. 

Beelzebub spotted two young women whispering and looking over at them, so they grinned and flashed their teeth at them, which made them hurry and grab a pair of equally young men and pull them out to dance. The prince knew they’d never be picked to dance, short and sickly thin with far too soft features, but they liked it that way. It would have better suited their corporation to be dressed as a human female, but Satan did they hate all those stupid layers and ruffles of the new style of dresses. This decade’s suits were much better.

They bristled as a soft angelic feeling took over the room, it made the hair on the back of their neck stand on end, their claws unsheathed and gripping their thighs. Their head whipped around to find the source, eyes landing on a tall woman who was practically _dripping with angelic goodness_.

They rolled their eyes at the flimsy disguise, “ _Gabriel._ ” Did he really think he could just slap on a dress and humans would believe he was a woman?

Gabriel met their gaze and Beelzebub froze. They could see he recognised them even with the shorter hair and in a suit, eyebrows slightly raising. They were surprised when, after he scanned the room, the archangel chose to walk over to them. They barked a laugh when he stumbled on his skirts, which made his face flush bright red.

“There’s no need to laugh! Shut up!” He hissed.

“You’re zuppozzed to hold up your zkirtzzz when you walk, dumbazz,” they smirked.

He huffed and sat down next to them. “Do you have a drink? Something alcoholic.”

They raised their eyebrows and pushed their glass closer to him, “zure.”

Gabriel grabbed the glass and downed the champagne, “God, you would not _believe_ what I had to go through on the way here.” He looked expectantly at Beelzebub, who sighed, snapped their fingers, and the glass refilled itself. “Almost everyone I passed gave me dirty looks. One woman even had the audacity to say that I should be ashamed of myself!” He huffed and shifted in his seat, sipping at the wine, “truely. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

Beelzebub rolled their eyes, “it’z becauze you ztill look like a guy, Gabe.”

“What? I’m wearing a dress. Also, I’ve changed my name, just for the time being.” Beelzebub raised an eyebrow, and he continued, “Gabriella.” He looked quite proud of himself. “You? I’m guessing you aren’t going by your full demonic name.”

“Charles. Charles A. Bub.”

“Charles?”

“What?” They snapped.

“Nothing, it’ll just be hard to get used to it.”

Beelzebub rolled their eyes.

“Now what are you saying about my appearance?” He shifted and sipped champagne.

“You still look like a man. Did you even change your corporation at all?” They raised a brow.

He shifted uncomfortably, looking into his wine glass. “Uh, I didn’t think I needed to.”

They rolled their eyes, “dumbazz. They have different bodies,” They gestured out at the crowd of humans.

“Oh.”

“Courzze you didn’t know that.” They huffed. “Come here,” they grasped his jaw in their hand. They hummed, “make your jaw softer, more round. Get rid of this stubble. Completely. And make your nose smaller. And your shoulders- less broad.” He did as they said. “There, that should be good enough for now.”

He smiled, “thank you.”

“Zshut up.”

“Excuse me, Mr Bub. How wonderful to see you again. May I ask who this fair lady is?” A young man, probably in his early twenties, with a young woman on his arm, also most likely in her early twenties or late teenage years, had made their way over to the celestial pair. 

The man looked expectantly at Gabriel, so the prince spoke for him. “Thiz izz my fiancé, Gabriella Smith.”

“Lovely to meet you Gabriella. I’m sure you know our names, the hosts, Joseph Williamson and my wife Mary.” Gabriel perked up, but Beelzebub just scowled, this was the guy they were supposed to tempt? Joseph chuckled, “I know, such a coincidence, right? Joseph and Mary?”

“Yes! Hilarious, really,” Gabriel beamed. “You know, I knew and was very good friends with Ma-“

Beelzebub slapped a hand over his mouth, which made Mary flinch and look at her in utter shock and confusion. They just forced a smile, “she was friends with my aunt, Mary. How we met actually.”

“Oh, I see.” Mary nodded politely. “S-so, Charles- I didn’t know you were engaged. Tell us, what’s the story of your relationship. Quite a strange one, I’d suppose. But opposites attract! As they say.”

“Yezz, very oppositezz.” Beelzebub stared at her with narrowed eyes.

Mary shifted, obviously uncomfortable, and cleared her throat. “Dear, why don’t we go say hello to the other guests?” She smiled at him.

Joseph looked down at her only when she placed her hand on his arm. “Oh, er, you go ahead dear. I’ll come in a minute.”

She didn’t look happy, but left anyways.

“Mr Bub, you have a very beautiful wife,” he said, gazing at Gabriel, eyes scanning up and down.

“Fiancé.” Gabriel corrected. He didn’t seem bothered by the compliment.

“Y-yes, fiancé.” He nodded. “Oh, Mr Bub, have you met Mr Wilson?” He called the man over and introduced them. As Mr Wilson began to try and chat with Beelzebub, Joseph sat next to Gabriel. Sat quite close. So close, in fact, that Gabriel’s skirts- which it is to be noted were thinner and more form fitting than past decades- were pressed against his leg.

“So, Miss Smith-“

“Oh! Just call me Gabriella,” he smiled.

“ _Gabriella_. Such a beautiful name, it suits you, my dear.”

“Ah, thank you. It was given to me by God Herself.” He said proudly.

“Himself, you mean?” Joseph said.

Right. “Oh, er, yes?”

“So, _Gabriella_. Tell me, dear, how I have never seen you before?” He leaned in, placing a hand on his skirt, right where the archangel’s thigh was. “Mr Bub has been to a few of my parties. Have you never been brought before?”

“Oh, er. We just got engaged.” He quickly lied.

“Oh? May I see the ring?”

Gabriel lifted a hand, a thin gold band with a single purple gem on his finger. Joseph took his hand, examining the ring.

“With Mr Bub’s wealth, I would’ve expected more.” He huffed. “You know,” he leant in closer, letting go of the angel’s hand and instead placing it back on Gabriel’s thigh, higher up this time. “If it were me, I’d be showering you in wealth that would make this-“ he pointed to the dress- already elaborate and over the top- with his pinky-“ look like workhouse rags.” His voice was low.

“Mr Williamson. You’re already married,” Gabriel hissed back.

“Yes? Mary doesn’t need to know.” Joseph was looking straight at his collarbones. Or a couple inches below.

“I’m engaged.”

“Gabriella, I think we both know you’re doing it for the money.” Joseph chuckled.

He suddenly stopped when a hand struck his cheek. Gabriel glared at him, hand stinging. Joseph gasped and cradled his cheek in his hands.

Beelzebub‘s head snapped over at the sound of skin hitting skin. They studied the scene for a moment before standing up and taking a few short strides over. “Gabriel-Gabriella. What’s going on?” They could feel the waves of angelic wrath coming off him, his eyes a dark, storming, purple mess, and the quickly fading prickle of lust from the man still in shock.

“Sh-she hit me!” Joseph gasped, pointing an accusing finger at the angel. Beelzebub wanted to bite it off.

“Oh, my fiancé wouldn’t hit anyone without a reason.” They growled. “Gabriella?”

“He tried to suggest an affair with me,” Gabriel hissed.

Beelzebub raised their brows, and said in a low voice, “what do you want me to do?”

“Nothing.” Gabriel copied their volume. After a moment, he continued, voice barely a whisper, “have something happen with him and his wife.” His eyes darkened for a moment, then softened back to their usual lavender, voice raising too, “let’s just go.”

Beelzebub sneered at Joseph before helped Gabriel up and hooking arms with him. They walked out together, Beelzebub quietly reminding Gabriel to hold up his skirts as he walked.

They took him back to their little place in a Inn.  
——

Gabriel sat on the edge of the bed, leaning over to unlace his boots. After struggling for a few moments, he huffed, “a little help?”

They sighed, “stand up.”

They helped his out of the outermost layers, until he was just standing in a corset, bustle and crinolette, and an undershirt. They moved to stand behind him, loosening the lacing on his corset.

“You do know you could’ve juzzt miracled it off. It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before.” Even from behind, Beelzebub could see him flush, the tips of his ears turning pink and his shoulders hunching slightly. 

“Well, I like to, um, you know, do it by hand. I like my clothes to be physical. I have a tailor, you know,” he looked over his shoulder at Beelzebub, who was finishing with the corset

“Hmm,” they agreed, “but I miracle mine on and off, and they seem pretty physical.” They stood on their toes and wrapped their arms around his neck, pressing a kiss to his ear. “Have you seen that picture in the paper. It says that these make women look like beetles,” they said, poking his bustle. “Speaking of beetles, have you seen those dresses? They’re using beetle wings to make patterns. Nice enough that it might actually convince me to wear one.”

“Oh, please do. You’d look so cute in one!” Gabriel tilted his head and kissed her forehead, hands placed over hers.

“Guess I won’t now.”

“Bee!”

They grinned, pressing their face into his neck.

“You know, you’re awfully cuddly tonight. Have too much to drink?” Gabriel hooked his arm around and scooped them up before placing them on the bed.

“You had more than me, dimwit.” They pulled him down by the nape of his neck, but he stopped halfway down.

“Let me just,” he pulled away to strip down to just his undershirt.

“Get in the fucking bed, archangel. Help me get out of my clothes so we can cuddle.”

“Not have-?” He raised a brow.

“Oh, of course. But that was always going to happen anyways. You can’t resist the temptation of bedding me.”

“You’re just being very cuddly.” He said, smiling brighter than the sun. “It’s cause you love me,” he teased.

“You’ve proposed six times, Gabe,” they said with a blank face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I skipped over 1000 years of history, but I think I’ve left this story without any updates for way too long.


	5. 1932AD

Beelzebub buzzed happily as Gabriel slid his arm around her waist and pulled her back flush to his chest. He buried his nose in the crook between her neck and shoulders.

At the start of their Agreement, she would have buzzed in annoyance and clawed at the archangel’s face if he’d tried to cuddle her. But, now she didn’t mind him nuzzling her neck, she actually liked it. He was warm and soft and his arms around her made her feel safe. 

It was funny, her enemy was the one that made her feel safest. Actually, it wasn’t funny. They should be ripping each others throats out, Gabriel probably could if he wanted to, he was currently pressing kisses to the side of her neck, teeth dangerously close. They were hereditary enemies, it was wrong for them to be fratanizing and fornicating like this. But, just for that moment, Beelzebub couldn’t care less, she just buzzed contently and moved so Gabriel had better access to her neck.

She reached up and threaded her fingers into his hair, scratching her nails against his scalp, which made him hum and press a kiss to her shoulder. She pressed back against him, basking in the warmth.

Outside, the muffled sound of a clock tower bell ringing could be heard. Gabriel hummed and kissed her neck again before murmuring against her skin. “I have to go.”

She growled, pulling on his hair. “Don’t. Whatever it izz can wait.”

He hummed in agreement, “I have to, though. ‘M going to a wedding.”

“A wedding? Who the heaven would invite _you_ to their wedding?” Beelzebub looked over her shoulder at him, raising a brow.

“I have friends,” he almost sounded offended.

“Sure.” 

“I do!” He lifted himself onto his elbow and she rolled onto her back to look at him. 

“Who’s wedding is it then?” 

“A friend.”

“Who?”

Gabriel shifted awkwardly, “a friend of a friend.”

“You don’t even know their names.” She leant over and opened the bedside table, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and rolling one. She lit it before taking in a big breath of smoke.

“Ah, well, I was invited, and it’s rude to not go to things you’re invited to.”

She buzzed, blowing smoke into his face.

He scrunched up his face and frowned.

She made a noise that Gabriel couldn’t figure out if it meant she agreed or didn’t. She sat up, moving the pillow to behind her back against the headboard. “Zo, you going to bring me? I’m guezzing there’zz a pluz one?” She pulled the covers up to her chest, holding the smoke in one hand and the duvet in the other. After having a more neutral-gendered corporation for the Great War, she’d switched back to a female-presenting body and female pronouns.

“It’s in a church.”

“You’ll juzt have to carry me then.” They took a breath of the smoke before passing it to Gabriel. She held the cigarette while he breathed it in. 

“Do demons even like weddings?” He managed to get out while coughing up smoke.

She shrugged, “Asmodeus doezz.” She took a final drag of the smoke before putting it out in the ashtray on the bedside table. It joined the dozen other butts laying there. “Zo are you going to take me?”

“Do I have a choice?” 

“Oh, Satan no.” 

Gabriel quickly gave her cheek a kiss. “Didn’t think so.”

“Zzo when is this wedding?” She sighed. 

“Soon,” he rolled out of bed and opened the blinds, letting the sunlight in. Beelzebub watched him, gaze drifting to his lower back and further down.

“Hate too zzee them leave, but love to zee them go,” Beelzebub said.

“What?” Gabriel turned to give her a confused look.

“You have a nice azz.”

Gabriel ducked his head like he was embarrassed, but Beelzebub could see the smug smile.

She watched him get dressed, still sitting in bed, the duvet pulled up and another cigarette lit. He gave her a look, eyebrow raised. 

“You going to get dressed?”

She rolled her eyes, “I’ll juzzt miracle it on.” She breathed in the smoke, “why don’t you?”

Gabriel huffed, “I was _reprimanded_ in the 1800s. Said I’d been using too many miracles. _Frivolous_ , Aziraphale told me.”

“Aziraphale’zz a baztard,” Beelzebub said, turning to put the out the cigarette- the end was starting to burn her fingers.

Gabriel glanced from left to right before replying, “yes, I’d have to say he is. But, besides. I like physical clothing better. I have a tailor, you know. Since the-“

“The 1780s. Yezz- _I know_ Gabriel.” She huffed, “you _own_ your own bloody tailor shop.”

He finished tying his bow tie and doing up his cuff links. He walked over to her side of the bed. He leant down and kissed her forehead. She blew smoke- she’d lit another- into his face. He blinked it away.

“You should get dressed. Well, miracle it on.” He said.

She pulled him down by the tie, kissing him. She tasted like smoke, obviously.

“Fine,” she snapped her fingers and she was dressed, covers pushed away. Her boots were unlaced and hair was still messed up from lying down. She pushed him away with a hand on his chest.

“A dress?” Gabriel blinked at her.

She raised a brow, “I’m supposed to be women-shaped, aren’t I?” It was black and silky looking, with a simple straight cut with folds that started around her hips. It dipped low in the back, lower than most dresses in the era did. Her sigil hung on the end of a thin chain that dipped under the neckline of her dress.

Gabriel ran a hand through his hair, smoothing it back with gel that was miracled onto his hand. Beelzebub moved into the bathroom, leaving Gabriel to button his suit jacket up. He was fixing a stubborn hair when she came back out, hair curled and boils gone from her face. She was positioning a fly brooch on her chest. 

The archangel came over and straightened her dress straps, quickly pressing a kiss to the top of her head while it was ducked. Her head snapped up and she smacked his arm.

“Oi. Zztop that.” She snapped.

“You started it.” He shot back. It was true, she _had_ initiated their first kiss. All the way back in 1347. She’d been infected with the plague, he’d been a doctor- with the mask and everything. She’d gotten it off and kissed him, they’d both died from the plague soon after.

“Shut it.”

She grabbed her shawl and hat off the stand and hurried out the door. Gabriel followed, getting his own hat, beaming.

————

The wedding was boring. Although the lack of love in the room was amusing to the Prince, worrying to the archangel sitting next to her. Beelzebub even found the reception boring. Her feet ached from the church grounds and Gabriel had introduced himself as Mr Smith, which then made Beelzebub _Mrs Smith_ despite the fact that neither had rings on.

A couple women came over to confide in Beelzebub during the reception, which she supposed was better than the men’s company. Although Beelzebub didn’t really want to have the look of someone you’d want to confide in. Well, she did, but that was only while she was working- and she decided that she definitely was _not_. It had already been such hard work taking credit for the Wall Street crash in 1929, _and_ the current financial crisis. _And_ the extreme amount of poverty. _Not to mention_ all the discrimination happening around the world she’d taken credit for. She thought she deserved a break.

She had tried to glare the ladies away, but none of them seemed to really care. At least they were smart enough to push a glass of champagne into her hands. 

They chatted about this and that around her, mostly about children. They were all in that age range where they either had children, were trying, or were already pregnant. One of them announced she was pregnant, showing off the small bump on her lower stomach, and the others fawned over her. Beelzebub simply sipped her champagne- wasn’t really that fond of kids or pregnant mothers, more of Gabriel’s thing.

One had asked Beelzebub- sorry, _Izabella_ \- about children, and she had simply barked a laugh. The group of women had regarded her with strange looks, but had just switched back to asking the pregnant one about how far along she was.

The string quartet started playing. Beelzebub took the moment to escape as the women cooed over the newlyweds as they danced. She made her way back to her table, where Gabriel was sitting, surrounded by men with a bit of a lost look on his face.

“Oh, here comes the misses,” one of them said, and Beelzebub wanted to yank on his tie until he begged for air.

She sat next to Gabriel, and the men took that as their sign to move away and find their own wives or girlfriends. He smiled at her in relief.

“Thanks.”

She shrugged, “didn’t do anything.” Although they both knew it was a lie, Gabriel could feel the remains of her miracle.

She slouched back in the chair next to him, crossing her arms over her chest. She watched the newlywed couple sway to the music in boredom. Her eyes swept across the rest of the room’s inhabitants.

“How do zzo many of them have zuch nizze zuitz.” Her face scrunched up, “how do they even afford them?” Her voice was low, trying not to raise it above the music.

“They’re rich, Bee,” Gabriel muttered back, absentmindedly thumbing the lapel of his own tux.

She huffed, “know that. Just think it’z ztupid.”

He draped his arm across the back of her chair, playing with her curled hair gently, “you think everything’s stupid.”

She frowned, “everything _iz_ ztupid.” She shrugged his hand off, it dropped back into his lap.

He smiled, chuckling silently. She whacked him in the chest, “ztop it.”

“So,” he murmured, “what did the women want to talk with you about? Wouldn’t leave you alone.”

“No,” she narrowed her eyes at them, who were now swooning over the newlyweds, arms joined with their husbands. “They wouldn’t.” She sighed and slouched further, “talked about children. You know how humans are about offzpring- ezpecially the female onezz”

Gabriel brightened, “children?”

“Yeah. One of them’zz pregnant.”

“Oh.” Gabriel looked across the room at the other guests, spotting the one in a pale blue dress, hooked arms with a young man who was already beginning to go silver at the temples.

Beelzebub sniffed as she felt an ethereal miracle sweep through the room. _A blessing_. Gabriel had a soft spot for mothers and their children, it was a known fact in both Heaven _and_ Hell. A weakness he seemed to flaunt. Like everything else, if Beelzebub was honest. He truely was a prideful ass.

The newlywed’s dance ended, _finally_ , Beelzebub rubbing against her temples against the headache that was starting to form. She was surprised to find, when she opened her eyes, a hand held out in front of her face.

“Can I have this dance?” Gabriel asked.

She huffed, pushing his face away but grabbing his wrist and yanking him up. “I thought angels didn’t dance.”

“In heaven they don’t.” He replied, placing his hands on her shoulders. 

With her leading, they danced the rest of the night away, stopping only when the food came so Beelzebub could gorge herself on it, and then only stopping again when the band finally tired themselves out.

They went home and when Beelzebub woke up the next morning, Gabriel was gone, a short note saying he was back in London was all he left.


	6. 2008AD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I’ve written for this story that I had saved up. I’m sorry to say that my motivation for this story and for Good Omens has sort of died. 
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos!

It wasn’t a dark and stormy night. It was dark, obviously, it was night. But it was actually quite a clear night, only a couple clouds that blocked out the moon’s light rarely. But don’t let the weather fool you, evil lurks around every corner.

Two beings, not humans nor ethereal creatures, were lurking in the trees, waiting until the moon was covered to trudge their way behind the long abandoned cottage. One was holding a basket in his filthy gloves.

“Bless this,” one growled, the Duke Hastur. The only light came from the butt of his cigarette. “They should have been waiting for us.”

“Pass it,” the other said, the Duke Ligur. He took a drag, coughing and spluttering the smoke out of his lungs. “It’s not like we can complain. **He’d** have our heads. They’re above us, after all,” he growled. 

“I don’t care if they’re bloody higher than us. Fucking important meeting.”

Ligur passed the smoke back with shaking fingers. “I’m freezing my ass off,” he muttered. 

“It’s _summer_. ‘posed to be warm,” the other demon said.

“Nothing like Hell, that’s for sure.”

They fell silent as the roar of a far off motor filled the valley. The lights of the beat-up motorbike lit up Hastur’s scowl. The light of the cigarette died as the Duke squashed it under his foot.

“Here they come now, the slick bastard.” He growled. “On a motorised bike, no less.”

“A what?” Ligur narrowed his eyes, which were shifting from green to yellow.

“S’been a while since you’ve been up here, right? Horses and Carriages, you’re familiar with?”

Ligur made a vague grunt.

“All Hail Satan,” Hastur called, raising his hand.

“All Hail Satan,” Ligur echoed.

“Uhh, yeah. Zzatan and all that.” Beelzebub said, hopping off her bike and lifting the goggles from her eyes. “Can we get thiz over and done with? Waz planning to grab zomething to eat. Lotz of farmz ‘round here, lotz of _live_ ztock,” she licked her lips. It’d been a while since she’d ate something live.

“Course, Lord Beelzebub. First, we must recount the deeds of the day,” Hastur grumbled. He rolled his shoulders back and grinned proudly, “I have tempted a priest. As he walked down the street and saw pretty girls in the street, I put doubt into his mind. He would have been a saint, but by the decade we will have him.”

Ligur grunted approvingly, Beelzebub simply pursed her lips.

“I have corrupted a politician. I let him think a tiny bribe wouldn’t hurt. Within a year, we will have him.” 

Hastur hissed, voicing his approval. Beelzebub nodded and looked away, making a non-committal buzz.

“Well. What’s our Lord done this time?” Hastur asked.

Beelzebub raised a brow, “uhh. Right. I took down all the telephone lines in London for an hour during lunchtime.”

The other demons didn’t look pleased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it’s not a great ending, but I don’t have any more motivation. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, stay safe and try your best with quarantine!


End file.
